Armed Defenders called to Havelock North after reports of single use plastic bags - [Developing]8/23/2018 The Police Special armed Defenders have been called to the Hawkes Bay town of Havelock North after unconfirmed reports indicated a caucasian male in his 30s was brandishing a single use plastic bag in a public park. Moments ago Mike Bush, police commissioner, stated "We don't know who this sick bastard is, but he's going down".
Speaking at a press conference today, housing Minister Phil Twyford an Bluth company CEO George Bluth announced a joint partnership to get KiwiBuild back in track. Bluth Promised to make good on the large investment 'in cash' that he had received from the Government...
"Wait I thought Labour was the Conservative party that want more guns?" - Confused Greg O'Connor2/16/2018 Newly elected MP for Ohariu, Greg O'Connor has come under fire for his recent crossing of the floor voting continuously against the mainstream of his party. Already the MP has split from his party on David Seymour's Assisted Dying Bill and Chloe Swarbrick's Medical Cannabis Bill, voting against both while his party almost all voted for it.
Not the News found O'Connor in the halls of Parliament and questioned him on his voting record, however O'Connor insisted that his views and votes were in line with the parties core values of "Conservatism, hard line stance on drugs and not putting up with so called Liberal Nonsense". Not the news proceeded to explain the true position of the Labour Party which was met with O'Connor quickly running away throwing his red tie on the floor. - Not the News The attacks against cats by entrepreneur and failed politician Gareth Morgan have been well documented, but thanks to a group of Wellington-based cats, this saga has taken a new turn, with thousands of cats signing a petition to have Morgan removed from New Zealand with immediate effect.
We sat down with the petition's creator, Mr Bitey, a 9 and 1/2 year old Tabby, who told us that the comments made against him and his kind had deeply offended the cat community. "We were disappointed to hear a mainstream politician label us all as vicious killers" Mr Bitey explained. "I started this petition to give cats all over New Zealand the chance to speak up against the cat-phobia that is becoming pervasive in our society" Mr Bitey concluded. The petition has already amassed over 20,000 signatures, mostly from area cats. As of this point the Government has yet to accept the petition. - Not the News. Prime Minsiter to launch nationwide inquiry into who is stealing her goddamn office stationary2/16/2018 In a statement to the press today the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern outlined her governments plan for a nationwide inquiry into the recent disappearance of several items of office stationary from her office in the beehive. The lost item allegedly include:
1 Stapler at least 5 "Lets do it" branded pens a computer monitor 4 packets of red thumbtacks "These latest developments are worrying and I think that the New Zealand people need closure as quickly as possible" The Prime Minister concluded. At this point it is unclear who may be the culprit, however Not The News has obtained a memo indicating that justice minister, Andrew Little was sighted coming out of the Prime Ministers office wearing a black beanie and carrying in hand a large sack labelled with "swag", shortly before the inquiry was launched. - Not the News A generic Stuff commenter, believed to be a middle-aged European male residing in provincial New Zealand, has thrown his hat in the ring to be the next leader of the New Zealand National Party. Going by 'KiwiDoug74' online, the man joins senior MPs Simon Bridges, Judith Collins and Amy Adams in the heated race for the top job.
More senior MPs are expected to make their own announcements in the coming days following the resignation of the former leader, Bill English. KiwiDoug74 said in a statement; "After consulting widely with people who agree with, it has come to my attention that I have broad support to take on the leadership of the National Party – and later, Taxinda” KiwiDoug74 said he had the skills and the "fresh ideas" needed to deepen National's support among "common blokes and small business owners like me", citing his plans to "establish a straight pride parade as well" and "outlaw the highly offensive term 'Pakeha'". Additionally, KiwiDoug74 called for a re-think of the welfare system. "We need to end welfare payments as we know them, and take the fight to laziness by providing the so-called poor with the necessary bootstraps to pull themselves up by" - Not the News |
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July 2018
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